It's okay but it's not okay..

Featuring a new guest blogger on rocnaija today..
One of the more better writers in my opinion..
I pronounce her name, 'Lowly-ah'..
She spells it Lolia..
Enjoy..

P.S. - I don't insist my guests write on anything in particular..
Anything from soaring gas prices to melting glaciers is welcome..
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My mind was racing..
What to do.. What to do…

“So you’re staying here tonight then?”

I snapped out of my reverie…
“Huh?”

“You’re staying here tonight.”

It wasn’t a question anymore. It was a statement. Perhaps even a subtle command.

Why was I so afraid? We had talked about it so many times before. We loved each other so it was okay. It wasn’t a one night stand. I wasn’t giving it up for nothing. It was going to bring us closer together. We were going to get married. So why was I afraid.. uncertain.. overcome with guilt?

“Ummm…I need to get back to Lola's* house. “

“That settles it then.”

He turned out the light and came to join me on the bed. I looked around the room. I looked round, taking in the flat screen TV, the black and red sheets, the walk-in closet.

This is what I wanted wasn’t it? I wanted us to spend time together. And spend time we had. We had played tennis, hung out with his friends, played PlayStation..

We had done everything, except…

“Babe?”

“Yeah?”

He was rubbing my back. I couldn’t concentrate if he was rubbing my back. There I was, wiser than my age and a proud virgin, trying to…What was I trying to do? It didn’t matter because he was tracing circles on my back with his finger. We had been dating for six months and in that time there had been no pressure, so this couldn’t be wrong could it?

Nah.. There was no way this was wrong.

I could feel my resolve weakening with every passing second...

“I love you.”

“And I love you.”

He started kissing my neck. I reached for my phone and texted Lola* telling her I’d be back in the morning and that I would call her if I needed her.

And then…I stopped being afraid.

I'm sure he could sense it, he picked me up and carried me into his bathroom, placed me carefully on the sink counter and slowly pulled off my t-shirt. It was black…and tight.. I had worn it for him and now it was on the floor. It didn’t matter anymore.

I began to panic. What if I wasn’t doing things right? I had never done this before, with anyone. And he was so…experienced.

I cupped his face in my hands…

“What are you thinking?”

“I’m thinking you should take off those jeans.”

And then he did a very curious thing. He turned around and walked out. Oddly enough that only made me want him more.. it made me want it more.. I pulled off my skinny jeans and walked back into the bedroom clad in nothing but my underwear. I remember trying to be sexy, wanting him to want me..
I knew he did, he had said so, countless times but I wanted him to want me more.

In the moments that followed, I realized that I wasn’t a baby anymore. I was a woman.
And that scared me beyond words.

I climbed into bed and reached for him. He responded, taking me in his arms and kissing me. They were sweet kisses. On my neck, my face, my shoulder, between my breasts…

A low moan escaped my lips. He knew it was working.

I had never gone this far with anyone. Not him, not anyone, ever.

He reached around my back and unclasped my bra. It fell silently to the ground. He traced a ring around my nipples, first the left and then the right. I moaned again. I could feel him pressed up against my thigh…He was as hard as they come…So he did want me. I relaxed a little. I reached for him, but he stopped me. Instead his index finger traced a line from my belly button, around my waist and into my panties. He pulled them off, lay beside me and allowed his hands to explore my inner thighs…

Then his fingers disappeared..

My mind was racing. "How did I let it get this far? Was I really naked in my boyfriend’s bed? Where was this going to lead? Would I just be a statistic to him or was he telling the truth when he said it would be special because it was with me?"

My body buckled. And then I felt it. A warm glorious feeling as he fingered me into orgasm. As I breathed heavily, I remembered his words from months before:

Baby the day you’re ready, I’m going to kiss you, every inch of you. Make you pine for me, all of me. And then…and then I’m going to make love to you.

This was it then? Overcome by a sudden boldness, I reached for him. I heard his intake of breath as I grasped his manhood with my cold soft fingers. He moaned my name and slowly turned so his body was facing mine.

I waited for him to reach for a condom…But he didn’t. I felt him against me, silently begging me to let him make love to me. It was a good…no, a great, no…it was a wonderful feeling…the feel of his hardness against my wetness.
Maybe he had put one on when I wasn’t paying attention? But when hadn’t I paid attention? I remembered every single detail.

“Babe, no.”

He tried again. I looked him straight in the eye…

“Babe…NO”

He sighed.

“Okay.”

I felt bad. I’m sure he could tell because he held me just a little bit closer.

“Baby it’s okay. I mean it’s not okay but it’s okay.”

I laughed and kissed him as hard as I could.

“I love you.”

“I love you more.”

And then we slept. Naked in each others’ arms. Or he slept. I watched him, thinking how lucky I was to have a man who said things like “It’s okay.” and “I love you more.

How so very lucky.. I was.
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I enjoyed reading this.. And hopefully you did too..
Please click here to visit Lolia's blog
And leave her comments if you will..
Thanks!

Got a poet guesting on the roc next week..
Looking forward to what she comes up with..

Have a good week people, and stay blessed!