Culturally homophobic or a homophobic culture?

Two blokes opposite me on the tube are getting real cosy..

I'm studiously staring at my phone.. Because what they're doing is sort of getting on my nerves..

But should it?

I've got gay friends..
So it's not a right or wrong issue for me..

I'm a 'live and let live' kinda guy..
All man to his own and God for us all..
Blah.. blah.. blah...

But still I don't like seeing men's tongues down each others throats..

So I wonder..
Does that make me homophobic..?

I don't think so.. But..

On the flip side..
If the white friends I have and hang out with..
behind their backs I didn't like for some reason..
Wouldn't that make me racist?

So is it fair game, to blame diverging 'cultural backgrounds' then..

I guess with the amount of sex on TV now..
The mind gets numb to seeing stuff that doesn't settle well with u..

Isn't that the same way Rosa Parks and MLK..

Paved the way for a scrawny son of a Kenyan immigrant..?

What you're not used to becomes more.. acceptable..??

Saying that though..

Never did see 'Brokeback mountain'..

--- Sent from Nokia E71 mobile messaging device


AfroBabe! Wahala dey oh..!

Okay! Okay!! So my headline is a tad bit sensational/melodramatic..

I should probably have used a more subtle line like "bounty hunter seeks AfroBabe..."

Anyways AfroBabe, I have a proposition.. Offer... Uhm, Ok call it what u want but I've decided you need a manager to help you manage you undiscovered future earnings..

I don't charge much..
And I'm not related to sam lufti..

I've already drawn up a contract..
Gross income of course..!
But don't call it my salary.. call it an investment.. sounds better.

20% for marketing and branding..
20% for my wardrobe..
20% to get you featured in vanity fair.. (Failing which I'm sure I can snag you an exclusive spot with Vera or Shona..)
20% to make sure I keep shut and refrain from a tell-all book when u fire me..


20% to see if we can get you
(my bad, looks like u got that covered) o..k.. we'll just have to call it 'miscellaneous'..

Not worries, there's no small print to worry about..

So sign here----------------

Better yet..

As you'll be owing me 100% of your undiscovered future earnings..

Just send me a cheque.. *wink*



The story continues..

So I decided not to use the title of my last post and just say part two right after, 'cos I bet there are guys on a Bay somewhere in orange jumpsuits for the same reasons..

I'd hate to be in a dark room facing some JamesBond villain look-alikes, saying, ''No! ROTFLMAO really doesn't mean ...''

So Buttercup and Funms.. wondered what happened next..

They glanced at each other.. Then back at me..

"You Nigerian then?” one said, with a hint of incredulity..
"Uhm.. We're still going to have to search your car I'm afraid..”

So while one started looking under my floor mats… (I had him pegged as the rookie), the older cop walked over to me.

Busy crosschecking my details with a funny voice at the other end of the radio..

He asked.. ''So what do you do for a living then?''
''I live.. I blog.. I roc.." (not my exact words, mind you)

''AHA!!'' The rookie searching the car, spun round..

Waving a screwdriver furiously, he said, “what’s this for then?

At this point, I'd figured 'these guys no get work'

As straight-faced as I could manage, ''it's a complex mechanical tool used to un-entangle little pieces of equipm..."
''No'' the older one interrupted, “its just a screwdriver..
"Oh yeah..(My lame attempt at sarcasm failed me)

So I ended up with a ticking off and that was it..

See ladies..? Not as exciting as you would have hoped..

I didn’t suddenly end up in MMA, with a screwdriver in my right hand and nothing else..

Finally.. since we’re on the issues of cops..

One night a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy pub for possible drunk drivers. At closing time, he saw a man stumble out of the pub, trip on the curb and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. The man sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for 20 minutes, intermittently hitting his head on the steering wheel..
Meanwhile, all the other customers left the bar and drove off. Finally he started his engine and began to pull away as well..

The police officer was waiting for him. As soon as he pulled onto the street, the officer stopped him, barked his rights at him and administered the breathalyzer test to determine his blood-alcohol content.
The results showed a reading of O.O.. Nil.. Zilch..
The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be.

The driver replied, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."


a Naija suicide bomber? ROTFLMAO!!

Reading AfroBabe's post reminded me of a recent incident..

All I had to do was drop my then-chic off at the train station twenty minutes away..
Drive back home..
And sleep till Kingdom come..
Pretty easy task, right? Wrong.

I'd had a late night.. So was desperate to go back to bed..

Getting to the station was straight forward..

It was just as I turned to leave that I noticed the blue flashing lights in the rearview mirror..

They approached the car.. on either side..

Is this your vehicle, sir?

"can u switch off the engine please

They said one after the other..

"Yeah!" switching the engine off, "what’s the problem officer?"

"Can u step out the car please"

"Do u know why we stopped you?"

Jeez?! What are u guys? Twins? Or is this the good cop, bad cop routine?” I said under my breathe

"Excuse me?" "What was that?”

"I said, what are you guys asking? Isn’t it just your normal stop and check routine

Oh Ok.. So u don't know why we stopped u then? What did u come to do here this morning?

"Came to drop someone off..

"Well u came through a 'no entry' sign to get here and we don't believe u actually came to drop anyone.. So we're going to have to conduct a vehicle search for any weapons and explosives just in case you're a terrorist or anything of the sort!

That's when I started giggling.. “you’re kidding me right?

Blank expressions..

Ok do what you have to do but I’ll just explain something to you..

I’m Naija.. so you’ve probably heard we do loads of stuff BUT we never commit suicide.. no matter the situation! And trust me, we never kill ourselves for nobody..!

...Continue reading.


Brains on a beach..

I still remember like it was yesterday..

We both met her the same day.. And both liked the same way..

The way a man likes a woman but doesn't want to be just friends with her.

Me and him were alike like that.. testosterone in overdrive..
See a woman that looked like she did and only one thing came mind..
Dark chocolatey skin.. 5'7'.. Ample bosom.. And a bum u had to concentrate on to keep track of..

"Jambite, mass communications" she said..
"A fresher? reallyyy!!" we both said in unison.. Glancing at each other, thinking the same thoughts..

Couple of weeks later, he bursts into my room..
"Ooooo boy.. Anyone given u head on a beach before?"
"BJ for beach? No.. What happened?"
"Meeennn u need to try it maaann.. u suppose try am.." he said, gesticulating furiously..

You would have thought he was a used car salesman..

"Calm down bro.. What happened? Go on, spit it out"

Then he went into details..

"Remember that chic we met.. Yea.. Yea.. THAT one..
We went for a drive last night.. Took her to kuramo beach..
after much much now.. U know the drill nowww..

she went down on me man! As in dooown!"

"I don't get.. Was that a first for u..?" I said in disbelief..

"No.. But not like this, man, I'm telling u. She took me so far in, I'm sure I could feel her tonsils.. And just when I'm getting used to the tingling warmth.. She came off and the sea breeze hit me, giving me goose bumps... crazy sensations bro.. warm-cold-warm-cold-warm.. Damn!
'I must have lasted 30 seconds.."
he chuckled.

"More like five.. You lucky S.O.B" I laughed, while I went all green..

Subsequently, for some reason, everytime i saw her..

I thought of sand.. Lapping Waves.. Cool breeze.. Clear night.. and...

Yeah.. I remember..

I still remember like it was yesterday..

Funny that..


When it rains it pours..

"I know sometimes its gonna rain.."

NeYo's new tune is playing in d background, as I drive to work..

Thinking so many thoughts..

'so what if it never rains?'

'what if it only flips between sunny days and thunderstorms?'

'why does something that feels so good hurt so bad?'

'is it defeatist to admit defeat.. In loving someone who doesn't seem to want to be loved?'

The words that were said, kept playing on my mind..

She said "sometimes love is just not enough...

I said "love isn't about finding a perfect person, but finding an imperfect person and making him perfect for you.."

"Nonsense!", She said, "You're fooling yourself and you need to get your head out of the clouds.."

Then she texted to apologise.. with a caveat that she didn't really mean it..

How come...

..BEEP! BEEP!! BEEP!!! Loud horns start blaring behind me..

Damn! Didn't notice the lights had gone green..

But the radio's still on.. 

It's Eric Benet 'love don't make no sense'


Just a bit..

Issues.. drama.. et al..

So I’m a tad bit weary with it all this morning/afternoon..

The lady in my life is peeved off with me.. I’m sad, she’s sad.. not a good look..

Then this package I’m waiting for isn’t helping matters.

Card was in the post a couple of days ago, that they missed an attempted delivery. Said to re-schedule a delivery online..

Sounded easy.. booked it for Tuesday..

Then Tuesday came.. waited.. and waited.. and waited some more..

Called them.. automated voices all the way.. so exasperation set in..

At the umpteenth time of trying, I finally get to speak to someone after sitting twiddling my thumbs for seven and something hours..

“oh! Thanks for calling but we have you’re package scheduled for delivery tomorrow, sir”

“what???!!! I booked it online for today and I been sitting waiting for it all day”

“sorry about that sir, but we tried calling you several times but your phone was engaged..”

“yeah right, thanks anyways”

so.. fast forward back to the present and I’m still here.. waiting

vexing a lil’ bit more as the clock ticks..

..and also hoping She cuts a bruva some slack..


Album review ~ MI - Talk About It.. A 5 Mics album?

MCing is one of the essential elements of hip-hop: The best MCs can sway the world with just words and flow. They don't just entertain us — they introduce us to new styles, regions and slang,

Ask any hip hop head and they’ll say certain things define a good MC, wordplay, metaphors, punchlines, swagger, breath control and delivery,

The top MC’s in Naija now are ModeNine, MI, eLDee, Rukus, SauceKid, Killz, Naeto C.. Yeah I know we got others but if I name them all I’ll be here till tomorrow,

While eLDee was one of the better rappers in his TrybesMen heyday, I don’t think what eLDee does now can really be called rap, cos all he seems to do is spit a bar or two and then switch to autotune..

ModeNine is undisputably a good MC, However he’s a punchline MC. Similar to Big L and Cassidy. The kinda rapper you’d listen to and go “ohh! Did u hear that?” but the koko is Big L and Cassidy rarely make it onto Top 5 MC lists because they’re not versatile enough to switch their flow up when it matters,

I have an opinion on all the above listed eMCee's but the advantage MI has on these other cats right now, is he has a little bit of everything and is more versatile, Every classic album has a bit of everything that appeals to different genres,

A party track, a ladies track, a ‘street-cred’ track,

Case in context, Notorious BIG’s debut album ‘Ready to die’;

One more chance = party track; Read - Anoti
Big poppa = ladies track; Read – Short Black Guy
Warning = Street-cred track; Read – Talk about it/ Crowd Mentality

(Proof that it’s not all bout Punchlines?)

I got that venom rhyme like Sprite got lemon-lime/ Donna Karan dime, keep her hair done all the time/ My rhyme, somewhat Shakespearean, blood I'm smearin' and/ Tongue-kissin' my lawyer at my hearin'/ In this day and age, my rap is like the plague/ I married this sh--, y'all n---as still engaged."

— Notorious BIG "Realms of Junior M.A.F.I.A." (from Junior M.A.F.I.A.'s Conspiracy, 1995)

Then Kanye West raised the bar by making gospel hip with ‘Jesus Walks’; Read – Jehovah/ Chant down Babylon, But then MI also has the intangible: his voice.

A dope album would require a spin when we first wake up in the morning. We’d listen to their songs when we're on the way to that job we hate or when we're heading out to the most jamming club,

So while I think MI has to has to be the most consistently excellent MC in the game, and be at his apex every year before he can be considered Naija’s best MC,

I do think his album would have got 5 mics in ‘The Source’.

“30,000 sold in 30 minutes, shitttt!!”